Not Feeling a God-Shaped Void
I haven't posted here in quite some time. Not that I don't have much to say, but I have been busy with the kids, their homework, their weekend sports... and when I find time for it I go to work and clean the kitchen. If you are ever interested in my day-to-day life (who wouldn't be) you can join Facebook since I seem to post there quite often.
I've been reading A LOT lately so that's good. This reading is priming the pump for some great writing to come I'm sure, but I feel very "un-focused" in the writing area. Again, I have much to say but am I little stymied at the moment.
Here's one thing I was thinking about this morning when I woke up. In my previous life as a pastor while trying to reach people for God, I spent a lot of time trying to convince them that if they weren't "fully devoted followers of Christ" that they were missing something.
Well I can assure you that I am not a "fully devoted follower" and I am not missing anything. In fact, although most of my circumstances haven't changed in the past two years, my internal (or spiritual life if you will) is much, much better.
I don't go to church, pray or "talk to God", read my Bible for inspiration or even go to a small group. I know what this sounds like to those of you that are believers. To you, my heart is hardened, I am leaning on my own understanding, and I am arrogant. To some I am even "lost".
I have never felt more found.
I've been reading A LOT lately so that's good. This reading is priming the pump for some great writing to come I'm sure, but I feel very "un-focused" in the writing area. Again, I have much to say but am I little stymied at the moment.
Here's one thing I was thinking about this morning when I woke up. In my previous life as a pastor while trying to reach people for God, I spent a lot of time trying to convince them that if they weren't "fully devoted followers of Christ" that they were missing something.
Well I can assure you that I am not a "fully devoted follower" and I am not missing anything. In fact, although most of my circumstances haven't changed in the past two years, my internal (or spiritual life if you will) is much, much better.
I don't go to church, pray or "talk to God", read my Bible for inspiration or even go to a small group. I know what this sounds like to those of you that are believers. To you, my heart is hardened, I am leaning on my own understanding, and I am arrogant. To some I am even "lost".
I have never felt more found.
posted by Steve at
11/15/2008
13 Comments:
I felt trapped and compromised in my evangelical days. Not so today. I am more honest with and accepting of both myself and others.
Americhurch is toxic. Years on, I still keep coming to the same conclusion.
Hmmm ... can't get my head round it all.
I'm in the same regarding prayer, Bible study, small groups etc - though I'm still rather reluctantly attending a church service, serving in various minsitries and holding down my ministry vocation. Unlike you, I feel crud. Feel like I'm getting the worst of both worlds :o(
Insert the word "place" as appropriate in the last post!
Zeke and Shieldsy - thanks for your honesty, transparency and for sharing.
Shieldsy - would you care to expound on what you mean by "crud"? Is it guilt or shame...something like that maybe?? I'd be interested to hear.
steve, I think you are experiencing what recovering addicts so foundly discribe as a 'moment of clarity'. zeke nailed it with 'toxic'. You have been purging churchianity from your system, and that is a great thing.
however, I would also say that the absence of churchal influence, and an encounter with God (non-religious) can be mutually exclusive. I believe that one can be a 'devout Christ follower', as well as reading the bible and praying without the non-help of churches.
IOW, what would it look like to get to know a God free from the shackles of church? I see glimpses here and there, but it's a jungle out there...so journey on we must.
I am in the same boat as Steve - I don't do the church thing, pray, read my bible all that much, do the worship service thing, etc - and I feel fine.
I have noticed church has this way of putting undue religious responsibility on people - and then the judgment thing they do is quite debilitating to many people's faith. Leaving a place like that does help one get a more focused approach to life - even a true clarity on reality.
It's a real funny thing - I want to be a part of a church and I at the same time - I know what comes with that territory...I can't even believe what would be said and thought about me of 1/2 the church I know knew I didn't believe in the trinity or care about one's beliefs on the atonement. Heck I don't even believe 1/2 the articles of faith anymore. Yet, I want to be part of the best that structure can offer - I am not sure that will happen.
Steve, interested to find out the degree to which you've kept up former church friendships.
Me, not so much.
Found by what?
cryptic much comrade?
"It is not when I am going to meet Him, but when I am just turning away and leaving Him, that I discover that God is." -Thoreau
Zeke - does Josh count?? :-) But to answer your question, not many really.
Fearsome - reality.
JimmyBob - so then what? do you keep walking??
Good question. I suppose if you discovered God more while walking away, you should probably keep walking. However, at that point, the term "away" is meaningless. Whatever you do, if you discover God, worship him.
I just stumbled upon your blog. Great stuff. This post is a perfect description of what I have gone through in the last few years leaving my previous life as an evangelical - freedom, weight-lifted and definitely not missing anything.
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