Feelings, nothing more than feelings
I haven't been posting lately. Been dry as a bone. Actually I have been thinking and writing tons, just not about the church. But I thought I would throw something up and see what happens. As you can tell by the time I am posting this, my sleep schedule is all messed up...early is late and late is early.... my system is toast.
Anyway, as it relates to my relationship with God, I am noticing that I am so easily guided by my emotions. I feel this and I feel that. Psychotherapy wants you to get in touch with your feelings...and I am sick of the question, "How does that make you feel?"
What if I don't feel anything? What if I am numb? Where is God when you are in that "numb" place?
So you go through the motions. I have always believed the phrase "act your way to a feeling". I don't feel like going to work but do I not go? Of course not, I have bills to pay so I drag my lazy ass out of bed and I go...and once I do I feel better about my work because I like what I do.
I don't feel like this or that...and some things are difficult to move through...but do I stop? Do you?
I don't feel like God is close right now. I don't feel that he cares sometimes. I don't feel like he is listening. But does that mean I stop acting like God is close, or that he cares or that he is listening?
I will end with the following two paragraphs from C.S. Lewis:
Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing him, so happy that you are tempted to feel his claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be-or so it feels-welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming is as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in our time of trouble.
Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not, "So there's no God after all," but, "So this is what God's really like. Decieve yourself no longer."
Anyway, as it relates to my relationship with God, I am noticing that I am so easily guided by my emotions. I feel this and I feel that. Psychotherapy wants you to get in touch with your feelings...and I am sick of the question, "How does that make you feel?"
What if I don't feel anything? What if I am numb? Where is God when you are in that "numb" place?
So you go through the motions. I have always believed the phrase "act your way to a feeling". I don't feel like going to work but do I not go? Of course not, I have bills to pay so I drag my lazy ass out of bed and I go...and once I do I feel better about my work because I like what I do.
I don't feel like this or that...and some things are difficult to move through...but do I stop? Do you?
I don't feel like God is close right now. I don't feel that he cares sometimes. I don't feel like he is listening. But does that mean I stop acting like God is close, or that he cares or that he is listening?
I will end with the following two paragraphs from C.S. Lewis:
Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing him, so happy that you are tempted to feel his claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be-or so it feels-welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming is as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in our time of trouble.
Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not, "So there's no God after all," but, "So this is what God's really like. Decieve yourself no longer."
posted by Steve at
6/01/2005
2 Comments:
I've been there in the numbness...the alone-ness...I've been in a place where I did the separatng from God, friends, family...all along I knew the "right" answers; in total darkness. And the wonder of it, God was big enough to handle it(even though counselors wanted me to "hurry up" with my dealing with it.) God waited on me...let me isolate myself(or was it HIM keeping me there). No need to make excuses...just be still...
Yeah, I've been there too. I constantly battle to find the balance (I've grown to hate that word) between "You can't DO anything to be closer to God. HE does it all." and the infamous "If God doesn't seem close, who moved? YOU have to find your way back."
Someone recently said to me, "I've never met a person who spends time in DAILY prayer and bible study who could say they felt far from God." After I hid the poor bastard's remains, I thought about what he said and how I wanted to think it was pious bullsh*t. But then there's this gnawing thought--in those times of numbness, I really don't pray nor read scripture as much. Is it possible that there's a connection?
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